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Losing a child is not in the natural order of things, parents are not supposed to out-live their offspring.  Mourning the loss of a child, and especially the loss of an infant, is a relatively uncommon challenge.  Many people experience this kind of bereavement as a journey.  While everyone grieves differently and for varying lengths of time - on a trip through this seemingly uncharted terrain, there are some landmarks.  John Bowlby, the “father” of attachment theory has some observations made from years of observations with families who have experienced a loss.  In A Secure Base (1988) he writes:

“Not only does mourning in mentally healthy adults last far longer than the six months often suggested in those days (the 1950’s), but several component responses widely regarded as pathological were found to be common in healthy mourning.  These include anger, directed at third parties, the self, and sometimes at the person lost, disbelief that the loss has occurred (misleadingly termed denial), and a tendency, often though not always unconscious, to search for the lost person in the hope of reunion.”

In another book, Attachment and Loss, he notes that there are four phases to the sadness that can accompany a loss:

1. Numbing,
2. Yearning/searching,
3. Disorganization and despair,
4. Reorganization.

If you are having some or all of the feelings that Bowlby describes - you are not alone.  Some people feel a need for solitude, quiet reflection, meditation balanced with support from others while processing them.

There is no wrong way to mourn.  However, grief is less likely to be “reorganized” if the feelings are avoided - if the trip is not taken.  It can be an isolating experience when well meaning family and friends who have not gone through a similar experience, offer their support which misses the mark. As facilitator of the group, I hope you will consider joining the SIDS Bereavement Support Group at Greenwich House - however far along you are along the journey.  People who attend support groups oftentimes report finding it helpful to have a broad survey of the lay of the land and some of their feelings previously thought to be unique, shared by others who are going through or who have been through similar territory.  My philosophy in running the group is to allow it to become a compass that helps its members to reorient themselves on the map.

Our next meeting will be Monday, February 8, 2010 at 6:30pm at Greenwich House, 27 Barrow Street in the 2nd floor conference room.  Please join us for group support, information, and guidance.

If you have any questions about the group, please contact Jennifer A. Neely, LMSW by calling her at (212) 946-5052.

SIDS stands for Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  It is the sudden death of an infant under one year of age which remains unexplained.  SIDS is the leading cause of death in infants between one month and one year of age, with most deaths occuring when a baby is between two and four months of age.  The Back to Sleep Compaign was launched in 1994 which contributed to SIDS rates declining by 50%.  However, SIDS still claims the lives of over 2000 infants each year.  SIDS is more common in male babies, 60% where 40% of SIDS deaths happen to female babies.

At this time there is no known way to prevent SIDS in all cases, but there are steps parents and caregivers can take to reduce the risk of sudden infant death. Modifiable risk factors for SIDS include:

• Stomach and side sleep positions
• Soft or loose bedding
• Inappropriate sleep environments
• Bed sharing
• Overheating
• Secondhand smoke
• Maternal alcohol and illegal drug use

Non-modifiable risk factors include:

• Male gender
• Age distribution: 2 to 6 months
• Low birth weight
• Prematurity
• Maternal smoking during pregnancy
• Young maternal age especially mothers less than 18 years old
• Late or no prenatal care
• Fall/winter season
• Higher parity

Thanks to First Candle for this information.  Please see their website for more facts on SIDS at www.firstcandle.org.

Here you will find information on the NYC SIDS Bereavement support group.  The group meets monthly in lower Manhatten.  In addition to group information, you will find Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Resources, Links, Suggested Books, and Articles.

• Supported By

  

  

• Useful Links

  • A Caring Hand, The Billy Esposito Bereavement Center
  • CJ Foundation for SIDS
  • First Candle
  • Greenwich House
  • Jennifer A. Neely, LMSW
  • SIDS Network
  • SIDS Resource Center
  • The March of Dimes
  • Village Parenting and Counseling

• SIDS Books