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Feb

25

On Mourning A Child, By Jennifer Neely

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Losing a child is not in the natural order of things, parents are not supposed to out-live their offspring.  Mourning the loss of a child, and especially the loss of an infant, is a relatively uncommon challenge.  Many people experience this kind of bereavement as a journey.  While everyone grieves differently and for varying lengths of time - on a trip through this seemingly uncharted terrain, there are some landmarks.  John Bowlby, the “father” of attachment theory has some observations made from years of observations with families who have experienced a loss.  In A Secure Base (1988) he writes:

“Not only does mourning in mentally healthy adults last far longer than the six months often suggested in those days (the 1950’s), but several component responses widely regarded as pathological were found to be common in healthy mourning.  These include anger, directed at third parties, the self, and sometimes at the person lost, disbelief that the loss has occurred (misleadingly termed denial), and a tendency, often though not always unconscious, to search for the lost person in the hope of reunion.”

In another book, Attachment and Loss, he notes that there are four phases to the sadness that can accompany a loss:

1. Numbing,
2. Yearning/searching,
3. Disorganization and despair,
4. Reorganization.

If you are having some or all of the feelings that Bowlby describes - you are not alone.  Some people feel a need for solitude, quiet reflection, meditation balanced with support from others while processing them.

There is no wrong way to mourn.  However, grief is less likely to be “reorganized” if the feelings are avoided - if the trip is not taken.  It can be an isolating experience when well meaning family and friends who have not gone through a similar experience, offer their support which misses the mark. As facilitator of the group, I hope you will consider joining the SIDS Bereavement Support Group at Greenwich House - however far along you are along the journey.  People who attend support groups oftentimes report finding it helpful to have a broad survey of the lay of the land and some of their feelings previously thought to be unique, shared by others who are going through or who have been through similar territory.  My philosophy in running the group is to allow it to become a compass that helps its members to reorient themselves on the map.