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May

5

Constancy

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One concept in human developmental psychology is that of “object constancy”, the understanding that emerges during the toddler years that a beloved caregiver sometimes goes away but then returns. The game of peek-a-boo is particularly satisfying to the child struggling with mastery over this concept. The grief of the loss of the face of the loved one is matched by the delight of their return.

Over time the ability of a person to hold an image of another who is not present develops. By adulthood, most people have a reasonable expectation that when loved ones go off to work or school, they will return. This hard won sense of object constancy has been developed since early childhood. After the loss of a child to SIDS it sometimes becomes possible to stop believing that when someone or thing goes away it will return.

The world is upside down. It is not uncommon for people who have suddenly lost a loved one to feel a greater need to be around other loved ones, to need more reassurance when they are separated, that they are still alright when out of sight.

Carrying photos of your child may help to keep them nearby and inform those who wish to support you by introducing him or her to them.

One way to get through these emotions is to share in a group setting.