Jul
9
July 2011
It is hard for those who love the parents or parent of a child who has died from SIDS to know what to do in the aftermath of such a profound and devastating loss. While this blog is usually for the parents who grieve – this month’s entry is in support of those who support them.
Confronting your own feelings of sadness, powerlessness and possibly anger before speaking with the grieving parents can help them feel safe to have their own similar feelings.
It is almost always appropriate to acknowledge the loss. It can be confusing as you may learn through someone else and when casually bumping into the parents in a public place it may seem inappropriate to speak directly to them to offer your condolences. If you make the effort, it will almost certainly be meaningful.
It is hard for most people in any situation to be the subject of whispered conversations that they are not a part of. While including well-meaning family, neighbors and colleagues in sharing the news might help avoid some unpleasant conversations for the parents, it would be most appropriate to ask them in advance if and how private they would like to keep their loss.
Many parents are unaware of what they need. But it is important to ask. If you can anticipate what might be required, that can be helpful. For example, infants tend to need lots of stuff that most parents acquire in the months leading up to the birth. If you can assist with finding a storage space for these things until the parents are ready to sort through them or throw them out, it can really mean a great deal.
Parents often express feelings of anger, a sense of unjustness and frustration. They can and often do lash out at those who are their most trusted support people. Try to have patience and tolerance. While acute grief may last for quite some time, expect the parents to continue having feelings about their loss for many years after the death of their child.
Be sensitive about inviting those who have lost a child to social situations where there will be young children present, even if the loss is not recent, it can be a painful reminder.
Be on the lookout for substance abuse. Well meaning physicians may prescribe sleep aids – that can have a very high potential for abuse – watch out for prescriptions from more than one doctor. If you are concerned about a friend or loved one, please contact a professional. Many people enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, several glasses every night could be a warning sign. While “if you’d been through what I’ve been through, you’d drink too”, might sound reasonable, it is usually a surefire sign of a problem.
For parents who grieve, one way to get through this loss is to share in a group setting. Please refer them to the group.
Warm best regards,
Jennifer
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