Sep
26
Our Next Meeting
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Our next meeting will be on Monday, January 9, 2012. We will meet at 6:30pm in the 4th floor conference room of Greenwich House located at 27 Barrow Street.
Aug
14
An Open Letter to Pediatricians
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August 2011
In your busy practice, assisting patients and parents with difficult news must be challenging. One of the hardest situations for new parents to face is the loss of their child for inexplicable reasons. I am writing to inform you of an on-going support group for families who are grieving the death of child due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Begun three years ago by parents in the community who have faced this loss, and facilitated by an experienced therapist, this group is free. It is run on a drop-in basis at Greenwich House, 27 Barrow Street in the Village area of Manhattan on the second Monday of every month at 6:30pm (with a break in July and August). Our next meeting is on September 12th. An outpouring of generosity from the community through direct contributions and through the First Candle Organization has resulted in the group being fully-funded for the next two years.
By way of introduction, I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice for over eight years. I have been the group facilitator of the Sudden Infant Death Bereavement Support group for three years and have been the Director for over one year. I offer psychotherapy to adults in a private practice located on Fifth Avenue and 20th Street for those who prefer individual attention and offer sliding scale fees for those services on a case-by-case basis. I have post-graduate training in psychodynamic psychotherapy and psychoanalysis and specialized training and experience working with those who have endured a trauma. Please visit: www.jneely4psychotherapy.com for more information about my practice.
I sincerely hope that you never need to refer anyone to the group, but should you need to, please know that this resource is available.
Feel free to contact me directly at 212-946-5052 with questions or referrals. I am at your service as is the group.
Warm best regards,
Jennifer A. Neely, LCSW
Jul
9
July 2011
It is hard for those who love the parents or parent of a child who has died from SIDS to know what to do in the aftermath of such a profound and devastating loss. While this blog is usually for the parents who grieve – this month’s entry is in support of those who support them.
Confronting your own feelings of sadness, powerlessness and possibly anger before speaking with the grieving parents can help them feel safe to have their own similar feelings.
It is almost always appropriate to acknowledge the loss. It can be confusing as you may learn through someone else and when casually bumping into the parents in a public place it may seem inappropriate to speak directly to them to offer your condolences. If you make the effort, it will almost certainly be meaningful.
It is hard for most people in any situation to be the subject of whispered conversations that they are not a part of. While including well-meaning family, neighbors and colleagues in sharing the news might help avoid some unpleasant conversations for the parents, it would be most appropriate to ask them in advance if and how private they would like to keep their loss.
Many parents are unaware of what they need. But it is important to ask. If you can anticipate what might be required, that can be helpful. For example, infants tend to need lots of stuff that most parents acquire in the months leading up to the birth. If you can assist with finding a storage space for these things until the parents are ready to sort through them or throw them out, it can really mean a great deal.
Parents often express feelings of anger, a sense of unjustness and frustration. They can and often do lash out at those who are their most trusted support people. Try to have patience and tolerance. While acute grief may last for quite some time, expect the parents to continue having feelings about their loss for many years after the death of their child.
Be sensitive about inviting those who have lost a child to social situations where there will be young children present, even if the loss is not recent, it can be a painful reminder.
Be on the lookout for substance abuse. Well meaning physicians may prescribe sleep aids – that can have a very high potential for abuse – watch out for prescriptions from more than one doctor. If you are concerned about a friend or loved one, please contact a professional. Many people enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, several glasses every night could be a warning sign. While “if you’d been through what I’ve been through, you’d drink too”, might sound reasonable, it is usually a surefire sign of a problem.
For parents who grieve, one way to get through this loss is to share in a group setting. Please refer them to the group.
Warm best regards,
Jennifer
Jun
11
Happy Holiday?
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With Mother’s Day just passed us and Father’s Day coming up, these occasions can be particularly difficult to get through for those whose child has died.
Some couples may need to spend time together during holidays, others may have diverging needs and may need to honor them in different ways.
For those families who have siblings to the lost child, it can be a dilemma, how to honor the day without bringing-up overwhelming painful memories. Each family will have a different strategy for coping with the loss and these strategies may change overtime.
It can be difficult to see other families celebrating and to join family gatherings celebrating other parents in the extended family.
Taking a moment to reflect on the child who has died, including them in some fashion maybe one way to get through the day. Another way may be to choose not to celebrate at all. Isolation through refraining from celebration of holidays can be one pitfall for those who grieve and on the other hand, showing up for functions out of a sense of duty or obligation that bring to the fore memories and feelings of loss becoming painful instead of joyful is another. Feel free to leave if you are in a situation that you experience as painful. It may be difficult to gauge what the best course of action maybe and trial and error maybe the only way to begin to know what is best at this time for you.
One way to get through the challenging feelings around the loss of a child is to get support in a group.
Please join us on the second Monday of the month.
All the best,
Jennifer
May
5
Constancy
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One concept in human developmental psychology is that of “object constancy”, the understanding that emerges during the toddler years that a beloved caregiver sometimes goes away but then returns. The game of peek-a-boo is particularly satisfying to the child struggling with mastery over this concept. The grief of the loss of the face of the loved one is matched by the delight of their return.
Over time the ability of a person to hold an image of another who is not present develops. By adulthood, most people have a reasonable expectation that when loved ones go off to work or school, they will return. This hard won sense of object constancy has been developed since early childhood. After the loss of a child to SIDS it sometimes becomes possible to stop believing that when someone or thing goes away it will return.
The world is upside down. It is not uncommon for people who have suddenly lost a loved one to feel a greater need to be around other loved ones, to need more reassurance when they are separated, that they are still alright when out of sight.
Carrying photos of your child may help to keep them nearby and inform those who wish to support you by introducing him or her to them.
One way to get through these emotions is to share in a group setting.
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