One concept in human developmental psychology is that of “object constancy”, the understanding that emerges during the toddler years that a beloved caregiver sometimes goes away but then returns. The game of peek-a-boo is particularly satisfying to the child struggling with mastery over this concept. The grief of the loss of the face of the loved one is matched by the delight of their return.

Over time the ability of a person to hold an image of another who is not present develops. By adulthood, most people have a reasonable expectation that when loved ones go off to work or school, they will return. This hard won sense of object constancy has been developed since early childhood. After the loss of a child to SIDS it sometimes becomes possible to stop believing that when someone or thing goes away it will return.

The world is upside down. It is not uncommon for people who have suddenly lost a loved one to feel a greater need to be around other loved ones, to need more reassurance when they are separated, that they are still alright when out of sight.

Carrying photos of your child may help to keep them nearby and inform those who wish to support you by introducing him or her to them.

One way to get through these emotions is to share in a group setting.

One question families who have lost a child and who are pregnant or have other children oftentimes get asked is: “Is this your first (or only) child?”

While polite conversation with relative strangers – a store cashier, a manicurist, seatmate on a train - might have in the past suggested that bringing up a tragedy of the scope of the loss of a child might not be the most appropriate thing to do, parents who have often struggle with honoring the memory of their child.

Everyone is different about how much they wish to share with relative strangers, and the urge to be fully honest may change over time. Some parents report just needing a break – needing to say “yes” and leaving it at that. Some report how nice it is to partially believe the dishonesty even for a short time enjoying the fantasy of never having to experience the grief that goes along with loosing a child.

Identification with others who have been through or who are going through similar experiences is one way to get through these emotions. Please join us for our next group meeting.

A loss from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is just that, sudden. Survivors are oftentimes unprepared for the death. Disbelief is one commonly voiced emotion amongst parents who have lost a child. It would be more comprehensible if the child had had some birth defect or an illness, but SIDS babies are perfectly healthy and their loss comes with no warning. Many new parents are uninformed about the possibility of this kind of a loss as healthcare providers are cautious about burdening expectant parents with anything extra to worry about. Meanwhile bereft parents often express a sense of betrayal toward the medical community that they were not forewarned. Each individual is different about tolerating the amount of information they need.

A newborn requires intensive, exhausting, hard work and most parents reorganize their schedules around the newborn’s sleep and feeding routine. When a child dies unexpectedly, after all the arrangements for any memorial services, it can be very disconcerting to return home and have nothing to do. And for the home to be so silent.

Oftentimes first-time mothers may have had no prior experience being in a hospital. So childbirth is a memorable event. After the death of the child many times the next thing that happens is a visit to the emergency room – possibly at the same hospital where the child was born. This maybe the parent’s second visit to the hospital in their lives.

Many parents have never experienced a death of a close relative and so the loss can be exceptionally shocking.

One way to get through these emotions is to share in a group setting.

Loosing a child to SIDS is a traumatic event. After nine months of waiting and expectation there is a chance to hold the baby. And then suddenly he or she is gone. Because humans are designed to be attached to one another and the parental bond - if all goes well - can be so strong, to have it broken is often described as a physiological pain.

Trauma experienced in adulthood is different than that experienced earlier. One of the most insidious symptoms of a traumatic event that happened in adulthood is isolation. The person who survives finds a lack of enthusiasm for the things that were formerly compelling including spending time with loved ones. Slowly life looses its meaning, purpose, and joy. As that happens, there is less and less motivation to pursue those things that formerly were fulfilling. While this may look like classic depression, for example, an inability to get out of bed in the morning, it can look like something else as well.

Anger is one place people tend to get stuck. It is sometimes expressed as irritability, sarcasm, or cynicism. It can be directed at workplace situations, distant relatives as well as those people closest to them. Because for many people it feels more energized or empowering to be angry at someone or something – it is compelling to be actively angry, to throw things, curse, stomp. Underlying the anger maybe some sadness and that can be hard to tolerate as it is a much more passive experience. And while it may feel empowering to be angry all the time, it contributes to the isolation by pushing those nearby away.

Everyone grieves differently. It can be jarring for a couple who has endured the same event to experience grief in vastly different ways. If one partner is angry all the time, the other may feel less supported and perplexed by the seeming lack of togetherness.

People do not necessarily grieve within any particular timeframe. For a spouse who has moved through their grief, there may a sense of leaving the other behind, and the converse maybe felt by the other partner, a sense of being left alone with the grief. Oftentimes earlier losses are kicked-up by those in the present day. The only way to the other side of difficult emotions is through.

One way to get through these emotions is to share them in a group setting.

Please join us on the second Monday of the month,

Jennifer

]]> http://sidsnyc.com/2010/02/the-only-way-to-the-other-side-is-through/feed/ http://sidsnyc.com/2009/02/on-mourning-a-child-by-jennifer-neely/ http://sidsnyc.com/2009/02/on-mourning-a-child-by-jennifer-neely/#comments Wed, 25 Feb 2009 20:06:12 +0000 nellgibbon http://sidsnyc.com/?p=76 Losing a child is not in the natural order of things, parents are not supposed to out-live their offspring.  Mourning the loss of a child, and especially the loss of an infant, is a relatively uncommon challenge.  Many people experience this kind of bereavement as a journey.  While everyone grieves differently and for varying lengths of time - on a trip through this seemingly uncharted terrain, there are some landmarks.  John Bowlby, the “father” of attachment theory has some observations made from years of observations with families who have experienced a loss.  In A Secure Base (1988) he writes:

“Not only does mourning in mentally healthy adults last far longer than the six months often suggested in those days (the 1950’s), but several component responses widely regarded as pathological were found to be common in healthy mourning.  These include anger, directed at third parties, the self, and sometimes at the person lost, disbelief that the loss has occurred (misleadingly termed denial), and a tendency, often though not always unconscious, to search for the lost person in the hope of reunion.”

In another book, Attachment and Loss, he notes that there are four phases to the sadness that can accompany a loss:

1. Numbing,
2. Yearning/searching,
3. Disorganization and despair,
4. Reorganization.

If you are having some or all of the feelings that Bowlby describes - you are not alone.  Some people feel a need for solitude, quiet reflection, meditation balanced with support from others while processing them.

There is no wrong way to mourn.  However, grief is less likely to be “reorganized” if the feelings are avoided - if the trip is not taken.  It can be an isolating experience when well meaning family and friends who have not gone through a similar experience, offer their support which misses the mark. As facilitator of the group, I hope you will consider joining the SIDS Bereavement Support Group at Greenwich House - however far along you are along the journey.  People who attend support groups oftentimes report finding it helpful to have a broad survey of the lay of the land and some of their feelings previously thought to be unique, shared by others who are going through or who have been through similar territory.  My philosophy in running the group is to allow it to become a compass that helps its members to reorient themselves on the map.

]]> http://sidsnyc.com/2009/02/on-mourning-a-child-by-jennifer-neely/feed/ http://sidsnyc.com/2009/01/our-next-meeting/ http://sidsnyc.com/2009/01/our-next-meeting/#comments Thu, 01 Jan 2009 17:58:28 +0000 nellgibbon http://sidsnyc.com/?p=73 Our next meeting will be Monday, June 14, 2010 at 6:30pm at Greenwich House, 27 Barrow Street in the 2nd floor conference room.  Please join us for group support, information, and guidance.

If you have any questions about the group, please contact Jennifer A. Neely, LMSW by calling her at (212) 946-5052.

At this time there is no known way to prevent SIDS in all cases, but there are steps parents and caregivers can take to reduce the risk of sudden infant death. Modifiable risk factors for SIDS include:

• Stomach and side sleep positions
• Soft or loose bedding
• Inappropriate sleep environments
• Bed sharing
• Overheating
• Secondhand smoke
• Maternal alcohol and illegal drug use

Non-modifiable risk factors include:

• Male gender
• Age distribution: 2 to 6 months
• Low birth weight
• Prematurity
• Maternal smoking during pregnancy
• Young maternal age especially mothers less than 18 years old
• Late or no prenatal care
• Fall/winter season
• Higher parity

Thanks to First Candle for this information.  Please see their website for more facts on SIDS at www.firstcandle.org.