In your busy practice, assisting patients and parents with difficult news must be challenging. One of the hardest situations for new parents to face is the loss of their child for inexplicable reasons. I am writing to inform you of an on-going support group for families who are grieving the death of child due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Begun three years ago by parents in the community who have faced this loss, and facilitated by an experienced therapist, this group is free. It is run on a drop-in basis at Greenwich House, 27 Barrow Street in the Village area of Manhattan on the second Monday of every month at 6:30pm (with a break in July and August). Our next meeting is on September 12th. An outpouring of generosity from the community through direct contributions and through the First Candle Organization has resulted in the group being fully-funded for the next two years.

By way of introduction, I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice for over eight years. I have been the group facilitator of the Sudden Infant Death Bereavement Support group for three years and have been the Director for over one year. I offer psychotherapy to adults in a private practice located on Fifth Avenue and 20^th Street for those who prefer individual attention and offer sliding scale fees for those services on a case-by-case basis. I have post-graduate training in psychodynamic psychotherapy and psychoanalysis and specialized training and experience working with those who have endured a trauma. Please visit: www.jneely4psychotherapy.com for more information about my practice.

I sincerely hope that you never need to refer anyone to the group, but should you need to, please know that this resource is available.

Feel free to contact me directly at 212-946-5052 with questions or referrals. I am at your service as is the group.

Warm best regards,

Jennifer A. Neely, LCSW

July 2011

It is hard for those who love the parents or parent of a child who has died from SIDS to know what to do in the aftermath of such a profound and devastating loss.  While this blog is usually for the parents who grieve – this month’s entry is in support of those who support them.  

Confronting your own feelings of sadness, powerlessness and possibly anger before speaking with the grieving parents can help them feel safe to have their own similar feelings.

It is almost always appropriate to acknowledge the loss.  It can be confusing as you may learn through someone else and when casually bumping into the parents in a public place it may seem inappropriate to speak directly to them to offer your condolences.  If you make the effort, it will almost certainly be meaningful. 

It is hard for most people in any situation to be the subject of whispered conversations that they are not a part of.  While including well-meaning family, neighbors and colleagues in sharing the news might help avoid some unpleasant conversations for the parents, it would be most appropriate to ask them in advance if and how private they would like to keep their loss.

Many parents are unaware of what they need.  But it is important to ask.  If you can anticipate what might be required, that can be helpful.  For example, infants tend to need lots of stuff that most parents acquire in the months leading up to the birth.  If you can assist with finding a storage space for these things until the parents are ready to sort through them or throw them out, it can really mean a great deal. 

Parents often express feelings of anger, a sense of unjustness and frustration.  They can and often do lash out at those who are their most trusted support people.  Try to have patience and tolerance.  While acute grief may last for quite some time, expect the parents to continue having feelings about their loss for many years after the death of their child. 

Be sensitive about inviting those who have lost a child to social situations where there will be young children present, even if the loss is not recent, it can be a painful reminder. 

Be on the lookout for substance abuse.  Well meaning physicians may prescribe sleep aids – that can have a very high potential for abuse – watch out for prescriptions from more than one doctor.  If you are concerned about a friend or loved one, please contact a professional.  Many people enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, several glasses every night could be a warning sign.  While “if you’d been through what I’ve been through, you’d drink too”, might sound reasonable, it is usually a surefire sign of a problem.

For parents who grieve, one way to get through this loss is to share in a group setting.  Please refer them to the group.

Warm best regards,

Jennifer

With Mother’s Day just passed us and Father’s Day coming up, these occasions can be particularly difficult to get through for those whose child has died. 

Some couples may need to spend time together during holidays, others may have diverging needs and may need to honor them in different ways. 

For those families who have siblings to the lost child, it can be a dilemma, how to honor the day without bringing-up overwhelming painful memories.  Each family will have a different strategy for coping with the loss and these strategies may change overtime.

It can be difficult to see other families celebrating and to join family gatherings celebrating other parents in the extended family.

Taking a moment to reflect on the child who has died, including them in some fashion maybe one way to get through the day.  Another way may be to choose not to celebrate at all.  Isolation through refraining from celebration of holidays can be one pitfall for those who grieve and on the other hand, showing up for functions out of a sense of duty or obligation that bring to the fore memories and feelings of loss becoming painful instead of joyful is another.  Feel free to leave if you are in a situation that you experience as painful.  It may be difficult to gauge what the best course of action maybe and trial and error maybe the only way to begin to know what is best at this time for you.

One way to get through the challenging feelings around the loss of a child is to get support in a group.

Please join us on the second Monday of the month.

All the best,

Jennifer

Over time the ability of a person to hold an image of another who is not present develops. By adulthood, most people have a reasonable expectation that when loved ones go off to work or school, they will return. This hard won sense of object constancy has been developed since early childhood. After the loss of a child to SIDS it sometimes becomes possible to stop believing that when someone or thing goes away it will return.

The world is upside down. It is not uncommon for people who have suddenly lost a loved one to feel a greater need to be around other loved ones, to need more reassurance when they are separated, that they are still alright when out of sight.

Carrying photos of your child may help to keep them nearby and inform those who wish to support you by introducing him or her to them.

One way to get through these emotions is to share in a group setting.

A loss from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is just that, sudden. Survivors are oftentimes unprepared for the death. Disbelief is one commonly voiced emotion amongst parents who have lost a child. It would be more comprehensible if the child had had some birth defect or an illness, but SIDS babies are perfectly healthy and their loss comes with no warning. Many new parents are uninformed about the possibility of this kind of a loss as healthcare providers are cautious about burdening expectant parents with anything extra to worry about. Meanwhile bereft parents often express a sense of betrayal toward the medical community that they were not forewarned. Each individual is different about tolerating the amount of information they need.

A newborn requires intensive, exhausting, hard work and most parents reorganize their schedules around the newborn’s sleep and feeding routine. When a child dies unexpectedly, after all the arrangements for any memorial services, it can be very disconcerting to return home and have nothing to do. And for the home to be so silent.

Oftentimes first-time mothers may have had no prior experience being in a hospital. So childbirth is a memorable event. After the death of the child many times the next thing that happens is a visit to the emergency room – possibly at the same hospital where the child was born. This maybe the parent’s second visit to the hospital in their lives.

Many parents have never experienced a death of a close relative and so the loss can be exceptionally shocking.

One way to get through these emotions is to share in a group setting.

Loosing a child to SIDS is a traumatic event. After nine months of waiting and expectation there is a chance to hold the baby. And then suddenly he or she is gone. Because humans are designed to be attached to one another and the parental bond - if all goes well - can be so strong, to have it broken is often described as a physiological pain.

Trauma experienced in adulthood is different than that experienced earlier. One of the most insidious symptoms of a traumatic event that happened in adulthood is isolation. The person who survives finds a lack of enthusiasm for the things that were formerly compelling including spending time with loved ones. Slowly life looses its meaning, purpose, and joy. As that happens, there is less and less motivation to pursue those things that formerly were fulfilling. While this may look like classic depression, for example, an inability to get out of bed in the morning, it can look like something else as well.

Anger is one place people tend to get stuck. It is sometimes expressed as irritability, sarcasm, or cynicism. It can be directed at workplace situations, distant relatives as well as those people closest to them. Because for many people it feels more energized or empowering to be angry at someone or something – it is compelling to be actively angry, to throw things, curse, stomp. Underlying the anger maybe some sadness and that can be hard to tolerate as it is a much more passive experience. And while it may feel empowering to be angry all the time, it contributes to the isolation by pushing those nearby away.

Everyone grieves differently. It can be jarring for a couple who has endured the same event to experience grief in vastly different ways. If one partner is angry all the time, the other may feel less supported and perplexed by the seeming lack of togetherness.

People do not necessarily grieve within any particular timeframe. For a spouse who has moved through their grief, there may a sense of leaving the other behind, and the converse maybe felt by the other partner, a sense of being left alone with the grief. Oftentimes earlier losses are kicked-up by those in the present day. The only way to the other side of difficult emotions is through.

One way to get through these emotions is to share them in a group setting.

Please join us on the second Monday of the month,

Jennifer

]]> http://sidsnyc.com/2010/02/the-only-way-to-the-other-side-is-through/feed/ http://sidsnyc.com/2009/02/on-mourning-a-child-by-jennifer-neely/ http://sidsnyc.com/2009/02/on-mourning-a-child-by-jennifer-neely/#comments Wed, 25 Feb 2009 20:06:12 +0000 nellgibbon http://sidsnyc.com/?p=76 Losing a child is not in the natural order of things, parents are not supposed to out-live their offspring.  Mourning the loss of a child, and especially the loss of an infant, is a relatively uncommon challenge.  Many people experience this kind of bereavement as a journey.  While everyone grieves differently and for varying lengths of time - on a trip through this seemingly uncharted terrain, there are some landmarks.  John Bowlby, the “father” of attachment theory has some observations made from years of observations with families who have experienced a loss.  In A Secure Base (1988) he writes:

“Not only does mourning in mentally healthy adults last far longer than the six months often suggested in those days (the 1950’s), but several component responses widely regarded as pathological were found to be common in healthy mourning.  These include anger, directed at third parties, the self, and sometimes at the person lost, disbelief that the loss has occurred (misleadingly termed denial), and a tendency, often though not always unconscious, to search for the lost person in the hope of reunion.”

In another book, Attachment and Loss, he notes that there are four phases to the sadness that can accompany a loss:

1. Numbing,
2. Yearning/searching,
3. Disorganization and despair,
4. Reorganization.

If you are having some or all of the feelings that Bowlby describes - you are not alone.  Some people feel a need for solitude, quiet reflection, meditation balanced with support from others while processing them.

There is no wrong way to mourn.  However, grief is less likely to be “reorganized” if the feelings are avoided - if the trip is not taken.  It can be an isolating experience when well meaning family and friends who have not gone through a similar experience, offer their support which misses the mark. As facilitator of the group, I hope you will consider joining the SIDS Bereavement Support Group at Greenwich House - however far along you are along the journey.  People who attend support groups oftentimes report finding it helpful to have a broad survey of the lay of the land and some of their feelings previously thought to be unique, shared by others who are going through or who have been through similar territory.  My philosophy in running the group is to allow it to become a compass that helps its members to reorient themselves on the map.

]]> http://sidsnyc.com/2009/02/on-mourning-a-child-by-jennifer-neely/feed/ http://sidsnyc.com/2009/01/our-next-meeting/ http://sidsnyc.com/2009/01/our-next-meeting/#comments Thu, 01 Jan 2009 17:58:28 +0000 nellgibbon http://sidsnyc.com/?p=73 Our next meeting will be Monday, January 9,  2012 at 6:30pm at Greenwich House, 27 Barrow Street in the 2nd floor conference room.  Please join us for group support, information, and guidance.

If you have any questions about the group, please contact Jennifer A. Neely, LCSW by calling her at (212) 946-5052.